If you’d have wanted me back
Back then
I never would have left the city.


And then I never would have seen the sun setting over the desert in New Mexico as I sat in a circle of wild witches, howling at the sky.


I never would have had a town teaching me to surf in El Salvador, igniting a passion so fierce I dream of wave after wave in my sleep
Endless rolling blue.


I never would have felt the needle pierce my skin as the man printed my skeleton mermaid into me forever, so that I will never walk alone again
Both on land and in the sea.


If you’d have wanted me back, I never would have introduced Spanish language to my tongue, the taste slowly getting stronger every week.


I never would have had that conversation with that beautiful bearded man who drove the white van
Five straight hours on a weekday morning, while the respectable people were at work, with our butts planted firmly in the sand.
Talking astral projection and dark nights of the soul and purpose all that stuff that makes my heart race with a sense of abstract recognition.


I never would have had that story with the Brazilian woman who took my hand and pushed on blank, unassuming walls around the city
And opened up secret passageways to secret bars I never would have noticed
Who loved The Black Keys and complicated cocktails we definitely both couldn’t afford.


I never would have another country to call home, a new circle of friends even weirder than I am.


If you’d have wanted me back,
back then
I never would have met the man that is the embodiment of wild
That makes my skin feel like it’s on fire
Even when he’s driving me crazy at the same time
A partner who knows exactly what I am and does not shy away from it.


I never would have learnt even the things in your life you think are most solid
Can change in an instant
And that’s why you should never build your identity
On someone else.


“You will thank me in a few years time,” you said.
When I tried to crawl back into the me-shaped space you’d held in your world for two years.
We weren’t perfect for each other
You were structured and solid
I was flighty and wild
And without the tether of our relationship
I knew I’d have no excuses left not to bloom.
And you knew it too.


Wise beyond your years, as you always were, you beautiful, logical, intelligent boy
You were right.
Thank you.
Feature Image: Kimbra Audrey