When I told my family I was pregnant one by one, before the effusive congratulations, there was a quick silence. A catching of breath… followed by a tedious “is this… is this good news?”

I don’t blame them. That morning, I was asking the same thing of myself, as I sat in the bathroom hunched over a five-dollar pregnancy test, waiting to see if that second confirmation line would appear.

My head was racing with all the plans I had for my life. The career, the travel, the businesses, my surfing, the things I still wanted to write, the things I still wanted to do.

I’ve been pretty vocal about all these things, with my family and in my writing. I am here to make a BIG life. I am here to leave my mark. Also, by my very nature I’m an extremely independent person. I hate feeling obligated, tied down, and like someone else is in charge of my time. My entire life is a testament to that. I live on the other side of the planet, I set my work schedule by the tides and the surf.

I don’t own a set of keys to any house and only recently again have started owning a set of keys to a car.  Also, I own less than what can fit in two suitcases (plus surfboards.) I love the relationship I have with my boyfriend, how we have weeks together and weeks apart, weeks to connect and be a partnership, and weeks to get into our own flow. We both agree we had no big dreams of marriage in the future.

I remember thinking; will becoming a mom be the end of all that? If I decide ‘yes’ to this baby, will I be running a giant bulldozer into my castle of dreams?

I’ve always thought the answer was yes. I thought to be a nomad, a traveller, a free woman, you had to be childless. To live a truly wild life, you couldn’t be responsible for a kid. Once you have a baby, I thought, you’ve been tamed, domesticated.

I’ve contributed to this culture myself in the past, when people have asked my if I wanted children.

“Maybe some day,” I’ve said. “I’ve got some things to accomplish/ more life to live first.”

It has become a joke in my friendship group of “who’s going to get pregnant next” and in front of me, people have literally joked back “fuck that.”

Another concerned friend reminded me that at twenty-six years old, I was quite young to be having kids. This spoke to a different narrative by the greater culture- that you need to know exactly who you are before you have kids.

“You’re going to be a completely different person in ten years, twenty years,” she said. “You might want completely different things.”

This has all contributed to the feeling that pregnancy is some death march for all your ambitions, dreams, goals and self-development. A march straight off a cliff to crushing destruction below.

At a time where many people feel overjoyed at such news, I felt… a bit like a failure.

I was battling with these narratives the whole morning I found out I was pregnant. Yet when I called my partner to tell him the news, and he asked me what I wanted to do, I knew the answer that came from my bones.

“I want to do it. I want to have this baby.”

So I decided, fuck that story.

Fuck the story that this baby is the final curtain call on my adventurous life, a door swinging shut on all the possibilities in my life. I’d just been reading and perpetuating a shitty script that wasn’t even my own. This little sea monkey living in my guts is a not a closed door, but an invitation. Into a wilder life than I ever thought possible.

I am the only person who gets to decide what this pregnancy and this baby means for me.

So I’ll be a completely different person in ten years. My desires, wants and goals might completely change. My boyfriend’s desires, wants and goals might completely change. So, let my baby boy watch how people morph, change and shed skins throughout their entire life. Let him never expect a romantic partner stay the exact same for him, let him not be afraid of the changing seasons. Maybe my boyfriend and I will grow together, maybe life will take us in different directions. Let my boy learn this young, so he doesn’t fear the inevitable transience of life and relationships.

So I’ll have more responsibilities and time restraints. I’m not delusional here, I know it’s going to be a challenge.

But the fact I am literally creating life in my womb right now? Let me tell you I have never felt more creative, more focused, and more driven to get shit done.

So my body is going to change and I’m going through a whole buffet of hormonal extremes right now? This experience is just going to make my relationship with my body deeper, more pronounced, and my sex life with my partner more nuanced, more dynamic. Even in the stages where sex will be the last thing I want on this planet, this will strengthen my partner and I more, as we utilise our other strengths to connect and keep our relationship strong.

So I was hesitant to have kids given our current environmental climate?

Where I was resigned before, I am now more driven than before to do my bit to unf*ck the world so this kid can enjoy the nature I have been so lucky to.

So I had travel plans? Surf goals?

My boyfriend has wanted to drive his green ‘1978 kombi down to Chile for as long as he can remember. Well, we decided when this time comes, it looks like there’s going to be three in the van. Once we get in a rhythm with the baby and he wants to go to France for a few weeks to snowboard? Go, my love, go. I want to go to Morocco and Portugal on a surf trip with my girls. My boyfriend has said, you will go.

I haven’t let people tell me what my life has to mean up until this point, and you know what? I’m not going to start now. I don’t have to change who I am just because I’m now a mother.

And you shouldn’t either.

So you got a great job offer for a job in the city, just when you were getting into the idea of leaving your city and travelling the world. Does this mean you’ve given up, become a 9-5 corporate sheep? Not if you don’t let that be your story. There are a million ways to be wild in small pockets of time, ways to walk barefoot in the concrete jungle.

So you’ve agreed to marry the person you love, buy a house, do any of the things synonymous with ‘settling down.’ It all only means what you want it to mean. All of these things can be a walk in the wild if you want it to be.

To me, this baby is not the end of my story. It’s an invitation to a much better one. Even bigger, more expansive, deeper than I ever could’ve dreamed.

I can’t wait to write the next chapter of this story.

Some of my favourite creative mama quotes:

“I was initiated into motherhood. Not slavery. Not martyrdom. The cost of bearing a child isn’t your soul. It isn’t your passion or your creative genius. It isn’t your ability to ask for help or your ability to receive it it. It isn’t your relationships or your sex life. It isn’t your relationship to your body or your ability to nourish yourself. I refuse to lose myself, because I want him to know who I am.” – Erica Perry

“The womb makes babies and art and although there are clear priorities, both matter.” Peta Kelly

“BREAK the rules, and make new ones. Create the version of life that YOU want to live. Put a CRACK in the belief that listening to your HEART and reaching for your DREAMS, whatever they may be, is incompatible with motherhood. Leave your comfort zone and VENTURE into the unknown. Be the BEST version of yourself for those who need you the most. And BREATHE, knowing that in doing the things that SERVE YOUR SOUL, you will be a BETTER person: for you, for your children and for their children.” – Jessica Jane Samut

Some awesome resources that go against the motherhood status quo:

Salty Mama Program:

Our very own program from our chaotic household, to yours. Welcome to Salty Mama, Journey to Motherhood.

Content, information and conversations we, the mamas in the Salty Club, couldn’t find ourselves, but desperately needed as we navigated the challenges and shifts of new motherhood. Our intention with this program is to provide a 360 degree approach: to support your body, mind and soul throughout your whole pregnancy, and the several months following the birth of your baby. Access here. 

Podcast: Soul Mammas

This podcast is for women who believe in living their passions with their little ones in tow. It has a big emphasis on surfing mamas and each podcast has been super helpful, validating and instructive on how I as a surfer woman can balance pregnancy and motherhood with the sport I love.

Magazine: Mama Disrupt 

A magazine of badass mama sass, Mama Disrupt offers empowerment to the modern mother.

Feature Image: Samantha Hunt Photography