Today, I sat still in the ocean, holding on to my surfboard like it was the only thing keeping me alive, and I cried out loud in the middle of the big blue. Drifting away, giving up, giving in, surrendering to the all-mighty ocean.
I honestly didn’t give a fuck anymore.
About anything.
About anyone.
Nothing seemed to matter.
I don’t think I wanted to die,
but I didn’t care much about living…
We all get lost sometimes, you know.
Where you just feel like the universe is conspiring against you.
It’s dark.
It’s sad.
It’s heavy.
It’s ugly.
But fuck, let’s talk about it. Does it ever happen to you too?
In any case, stick with me a minute. The story doesn’t end too badly.
Like any personal text, it feels like I don’t know how to start this…
But I need to say it,
I need to get it out my chest,
And sharing it with you seems like the best way I know how.
You know how we think that other peoples lives are so much better, brighter, more perfect?
And I know there are many of you reading who think we are just living the dream;
Coconuts, waves, palm trees, yoga and bikinis…
Well, fuck that; it rains in paradise too.
Here, thousands of miles away from home,
I’ve felt PAIN,
I’ve felt ANGER,
I’ve felt HELPLESSNESS,
I’ve felt LONELINESS,
I’ve felt OUT OF PLACE,
I’ve felt TERRIBLE IN MY OWN BODY
And sometimes, ALL OF THESE AT THE SAME TIME.
While I was floating in the middle of the waves, kind of hoping to get taken away, a guy paddled out next to me and asked if I was alright. We were the only two out at that moment, chasing the same (shitty) waves. It was really peaceful, the ocean was quiet. So we started casually chatting.
That guy could never know, but by his simple action of reaching out to me, of piercing my bubble, of asking: ‘Are you ok ?’ he managed to change my mood, my thoughts, and make me see that, damn, the world was still spinning and there was still so many interesting people to meet.
From that point of the day, everything flipped.
My perception of the situation shifted. I realized I had built my own fort, my own prison, by being closed and guarded. Something I tend to do way too much…
In any given situation you can decide wether the world is happening against you, or for you. When your mind slips into the first option, it’s an express lane down the rabbit hole.
After that surfing / floating / feeling ‘meh’ about life session, I came back to the land and had lunch. A group of guys had been living with us for days but honestly, I had been giving them minimum attention however on this day, I opened a Bintang and went to sit with them.
And guess what: it ended up being my best night in this place! All because I opened up, because I made that step out. Because I decided to get out of my shell, and made a concerted effort to care about learning someone else’s story…
I’ve learned the dark way that the energy you put out, is the energy you get back. The love you give is equal to the love you receive. When I feel something is missing from a situation, I now ask myself if maybe it is something I am not offering…
It is OKAY to feel fucking awful and low. Know that it happens to all of us, and all there is to do is sit with it and feel it all- and by that I literally mean sit in the middle of your bedroom and dive inward, instead of reaching for distractions (social media, shopping, a glass of wine…). See where you feel ‘stuck’? What colour does this pain have? What shape or sensation? Let it shift, move, stretch. Surrender to it, and finally enquire: Why is that pain here and what does it want to tell me? What am I being ignorant of? How can I move through this ? How can I be better? Breathe deeply. Longly. Calmly.
It’s called the EASE meditation technique. (Elicit, Accept, Surrender, Enquire). It is yours to try…
And always remember there are still interesting people out there to meet. You just have to stay open.
Love & light, from me to you xo
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